.: Shouldn't Happen :.

Guilty?
Sad?
Embarrassed?
Freaked-out?
Bad feeling?
Cold-feet?
Regret?
Stupid?
Selfish?

none of the above can describe what i feel now.
i couldn't think.
nevertheless talk about it.
there's nothing to be said.
i was caught right-handed.
i knew it.
someday.
he will know.
but i don't really know why i'm still doing it.

i made him feel sad.
really-really sad.
suprisingly..
he did not scolded me of my wrong doing.
happy? NO.
glad? NO NO
relief? Hell NO

i just feel bad.

i hurt u.
i also hurt myself.
i hurt our relationship.

i hurt what we have.
i broke ur heart.
i broke my promises.
i broke the pieces we built together.

can i forgive myself?
maybe..not now..
but it will remain in my head for a very-very long time..

i'm sorry.
really-really sorry.

i won't ask u to forgive me.
i won't ask for anything.
since the 1st time we met.
till our love grew stronger & stronger for each other.
i won't.
cos i know.
one day.
u'll give it to me

sincerely.

i love u.
i love u more each passing days.
& i know u love me deeply too.
cos u mention it everyday.

i'm sorry sayang.

.: A New Beginning :.

New boss
New office room
New environment
New status
New responsibilities
New materials & accessories
New point of view
New respect
New trust

A whole new beginning

I'm officially the
COO's Senior Secretary!
(before this..i was juz a junior secretary - assisting the senior secretary)

you go girl! keep on improving!

at last..
something i can never imagine
something i never tot i will have
something i could not believe its actually really happening to me!
~God! still smiling...

i never tot i can achieve such trust
taking care one of the big bosses
~ on my own
takut ner..risau pun ade gak..
xpe2..hold that trust & believe in myself
i can do it!
i can do better!
much, much, much better..
~finger cross

yes..yes..
i know

i've taken care of other bosses too
the Group Managing Director
Deputy Group Managing Director
bounce back to GMD
& now Cheif Operating Officer

i circle in the same place
kalo xjaga boss besar
jaga boss kecik
kalo xjaga dua2 pun
jaga diri sendiri jela
~nak jaga bf..hampeh..
(do i look like i have one? dun think so~)

i requested to go to marketing
but they say
im better off in the GMD office
mana2 jela..
same aje..

tapi kali ni
my responsibilities is bigger
before this i have someone above me to get the blame
but now..
huh..i will directly get the blame huhuhuhu.
better behave for now on
hehehe~

owh well..
im juz happy..
happy to be trusted by ppl who believe in me..

usaha tangga kejayaan!

.: Kenangan Itu :.

Feb 12, 2009

alot of things happen on this day
- a death of a good fren
- a late night dinner with him
- & a black kebaya

1st time
i wore a kebaya to work
nothing special actually
juz the feeling wanting to wear it
everyone was stunned seeing me wearing it
alot of compliment
i loike!

1st time i had a good fren
died during working hour
alot went thru my mind
the last conversation we had
the last laughter
the last joke
stories about everyone he know
stories about dato
stories about his family
he's plans
he's wishes

A.L.O.T

we were planning to give him a suprise birthday party the other day
11 Feb 2009 as i remember
he went out to do some office errands
one of the staff ask him to come back
we had abit of 'makan2' for him
in the same time to suprise him
with a birthday cake

who knew..
he suprises us
with the news his DEATH..

it was 5:45pm

al-Fathihah buat abg Azali
semoga rohnya ditempatkan dikalangan org2 yg beriman
~Amin
_____________________________________________________

i left office abit early today
planned earlier this week

to go out with Dilla & OC
do some last minute
dinner dress searching

didnt find anything.
hampeh sungguh!

sms him
wondering where is he
he said
he was at the mosque
~ dengar ceramah katanya

he reminded me bout dinner
which..
i almost forgot!

hehehe
waited for him at his place as usual
then he came along
hop into my car
& off we go for dinner

1st he suggested KFC

me:
'KFC? mlm2 gini? biar betul? isn't it abit too late for KFC?'
him:
'Then nak makan ape? Nasi? Xnak la i..nnt gemuk'
me:
'Xde ner abg nak gemuk. Risau sgt ngan badan gemuk'
him:
'Awak, kat belakang kedai KK ade kedai makan satay. Ramai gak org pegi sana. Macam best je. Kite try nak x? Xyah makan KFC. Kite pegi makan satay k'
me:
'Satay? Boleh la, dari pegi KFC. Satay pun satay la'
him:
'Skrg pun sume tgh boikot brg2 dr Jews kan. I pun boikot sume brg2 dieorg'
me:
'Abg mmg. Sume die boikot ner. Ape yg u xboikot? Dah2, show me the way'
him:
'Hehehe..ok~'

we drove about 5minutes before we reach our destination
it was a small kedai
got satay & char kueh tieow
we order both
~jaga badan la sgt. makan byk gak hehehehe

we had a long chat that night
tlaked about alot of things
he still looks at me the way he looked at me at our 1srt date
i can see
he still cares
can he see that i still care & love him?
indeed he sees that

after dinner
i sent him to his place
park next to his car
he didn't go off too soon
we chat a lil' more
almost an hour

i looked at him as if it was last time of seeing him
he pujuk me not to look at him like that..

him:
'Jangan tgk i mcm ni. Susah hati i. Sedey i tgk u macam nie'
me:
'Biar la. Bukan ner i buat pape pun. I tgk abg je. Xboleh ke?'
him:
'Sayang xmo la macam ni k. Xmo sedey2 k. Nnt kite dinner laie k. Kite kuar laie k. I'm still around. I akan temankan u dinner bile i ade masa k'
me:
'Ok~ tapi sekejap sgt la. Abg jaga diri k'
him:
'ye sayang, nnt kite jumpa kat office esok k. Balik terus, mandi, semayang & tido k. Xmo singgah sana sini. U suke sgt rayau2'
me:
'Alah, bukan pegi mana pun. Umah kwn i jugak. Abg balik uma terus tido ek?'
him:
'Ha'ah..lately i susah nak tido malam dah. Better jgn mandi. better i juz terus tido'
me:
'Eeeeeeiiii..abg busyuk!'
him:
'Alah, busyuk2 i pun, u nak kat i gak kan..'

~blushing & smiling~

him:
'Dah malam ni, balik terus k. drive carefully'
me:
'Ok~'
him:
'Dah2, xmo sedey2. I see u in the office. Balik, mandi & terus tido'
me:
'Yea..saya tau'
him:
'Bye awak...'
me:
'Bye~'

he got into his car
drove off
but before he left
he wave his last goodbye to me
i looked at him
sadly..

i cried my way back
i missed him oredi

i did as i was told
went straight back home
mandi, semayang & off to bed

i cried in my sleep

harap2 die masih sayang kat aku~

.: A Night To Remember :.

table setting (check)
decoration (check)
presentation (check)
gift (check)
guest list (check)
menu (check)
digicam (Double check hehe)
make up (extra check)
dress (check!)

everything has been double check
i spoke to my MC & captain of the event
making sure its in order
they know what they suppose to do

P.E.R.F.E.C.T

everything is in position
VIP at their place
HODs standing anxiously
the staff sitting nice at their table
me & irene wondering around putting things at the right place
me.
~ running up & down
irene.
~ walking here & there

M.A.R.V.E.L.O.U.S

one thing is left missing..

the main man
- Dato' Johan Ariffin -

almost 8:30pm
he arrived
with Datin by his side

once everyone is in
doors closed
now it starts

we started off with doa recital
then a short speech from our Chairman
- Encik SM Nasarudin -
after that..
DINNER is served

a small presentation is done
it was great
fire everywhere
abit scary at 1st but as long its far from me
im fine with it hehehe

~ jemput makan..

damn the foods were nice
irene choose the chinese menu
(selera Dato..mmg la)

my table
- kak Kila
- kak Zan
- kak Naza
- kak Asmah
- Julie
- Jan Lyn
- Aza

we were laughing the whole night
teasing each other
kacau the boy who serve us
kutuk2 here n there
playing with the food that seem so weired
laugh out again

mmg best ngan dieorg
thou they were the same age as my aunt n mum
but age is just a number la
its the chemistry that counts
we had fun

on my part

i was walking up & down non stop making sure
everything is ok
it was ok

i wore a black dress that night
tied my hair up
look like a barbie doll
people were looking at me
staring up & down

- simple -

i was the only one wearing skirt
hahaha
lain2 mak dara
i ngan aza & felicia & fennie je pangkat anak dara
which both of them were wearing office attire
& fennie baju kurung

so i got the attention
hahahaha

sorry Dato!

i saw him
looking well dress with his black shirt
he came abit late
i didnt get to tego him
earlier
in the office
i did manage to tease him
by blowing him a kiss
come up to him & cubit his cheeks
comel
it made him smile
& blink his eye to me

i like that

after dinner we had a short videography of Dato'
we showed all the staff his hippie looks
which everyone start laughing non stop
his achievment
his success
everything

then gift presentation by
SM Nasarudin & SM Faliq
to
Dato' Johan
after that
the cutting of the cake
pictures taken with our HOD's

last
dessert was served
yummy
cakes!
chocolate cakes..

it was really great
wonderful
fun & filled with laughter

the function finished around 10:45pm
damn
i was tired
my feet hurts
headache

i looked at him
he was busy talking to everyone
i took a picture with Dato' & Datin & Irene
last photo of dato' with us

i ask their permission to leave early
i was tired
drove home
smsm his n wish me nites
he replied
saying the same thing

i miss him

.: Pain :.

this week
im in pain

- sore throat -
- headache -
- heartache -
- tummyache -
- bodyache -

sakit hati tgk die
tersengih-sengih
usik-usik
sakat-menyakat
nyampah aku..

argghhhhh...!!!
geram..!!!
very the cheeky this fella..

but
at the same time

i do miss that cheekiness of
him laughing
him smiling
him talking
everything about H.I.M

im still in pain
of loosing him

why..

him:
'aku ada di depanmu'

everyday i think of this word
is was his last word to me
before he said his final goodbye

he's always infront of me

in my sight

just a distance away

until now..
he still is..
always there..

sedih sgt

.: Can We Be Happy? :.

me:
'Nak dengar lagu tak?'
him:
'Lagu ape?'
me:
'Lagu sedap, tapi awak tak leh makan la.Dengar je.'
him:
'Ermm..yeke?Skit pun tak bloeh?'

me:

'Tak boleh'

him:

'Ok..ok.Meh kita dengar lagu sedap u tu'
me:
'Jap2..hish, mana pe lagu ni.Time kita nak dengar time tula dia nak hilang.'
him:

'Dengki namanya tu'

me:

'Agaknya la..dengki ngan awak kot..jap ek...'

him:
'Ok~'


~You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you, boy
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

him:
'Eh, nape sedih je lagu nie?'
me:
'Mana I tau, dah lagu nak sedih, nak buat macam mana laie'
him:
'Hish, awak nie.Sedih2 pulak.Apesal nie?Not happy aren't u?'
me:

'Kinda..'

him:

'Why sayang...'

me:
'I'm just not happy.Your not around anymore.How can i be happy?'
him:
'Please dun say like that.I'm still here right.Next to u.I'm still care for u.Isn't that enuf?'
me:
'But ur not mine.I wish u didn't have to make this decision'
him:
'Jangan begini.Susah I macam nie.U know the reason right?Why i must do this?'
me:
'I know.It's just that, it's not fair.Itu je.I try to understand but I just think, what ur doing now isn't right.Its just not right.Its so~unfair for me'
him:
'Sayang...'


things turn silent after that
we kept quiet
he looked at me with guilt
i looked at him..in tears..

we talk for awhile
he explain to me
the same thing
over & over again

i kept on crying
& cried harder


he took my happiness away

after that
he left

.: Teary Rainy :.

it was different

that night
i dunno why
i went to his place
just to check up on something
one thing actually..

H.I.M

as i expected
he wasn't there
& all his other things
everything..

so..

i went home

..rainy night..

the weather seem to know how i feel that night
outside the car..
rain started to fill up the atmosphere
while inside..
tears streaming heavily

i couldn't hold the tears any longer
i cried..
all the way back home

while driving back..
i tot alot about him..

his smiles
his voices
his laughter
his jokes
his stories
his ideas about everyting
his preaches
his nonsense
his cheekiness
his upcoming plans
his future
his life..

just about everything

..such a teary rainy night..

hilang semangat
jiwa kacau
otak serabut
patah hati?

E.M.O kah aku?



why?
why must all come to an end?
why must he make that decision?
why hurt me?
why leave me?
why?

rindu?
nak rindu ape?
hari2 depan mata
but still..
too far from my reach
i see him everyday
but..
i can't hold him close
i just can't



lately..
he tried to win my heart back
doing his cheekiness
just like the 1st time we've met
being the person i used to know

but its too late

too late to fix anything
i've moved on
barely..

he knows i'm hurt & upset
he knows i'm angry
he knows well of that..

but what he doesn't know is
i still care..
i'm still hopelessly in L.O.V.E

but i can't show that
i just can't
everything is different now

i must show him i'm ok~
i'm alright
i'm doing well
i'm stronger than ever

i'm just F.I.N.E without him
am i?

he changed..
alot had change the last time i saw him
his status
his position
his environment

one thing for sure
dia dah jadi hak orang lain
mana ada sama dah sekarang..

Dulu boleh la
single mingle
usik2
gurau2
kuar dinner
kuar jalan2
dulu laaa..

sekarang

he's no more AGM..
upgrade to GM now
soon to be SGM in the near future

congrats on that dear..
u deserve it

i wish i could tell how i feel
tell him how much i miss him
how much i want him
how miserable life is without him
how much i need him
how much i care for him
& much, much more

chipsmore?

no more..

dah takdir kot
hmmm.....

.: Last Night :.

finally

it came to an end

S.T.O.P

i knew he would try to fix it

by saying

SORRY

apology NOT accepted

i can never forgive him

the decision he made

causes

heartache

headache

tears

loneliness

shit

got the fever again

i hate it

depression

frustration

stress-tion

erk? sound so~ wrong

tak boley sume nie

i can get fever just having all these

emotions

huhuhuhuu~

"Would you be Happy?"

im asking you..

Are you HAPPY, abang?

i dun think so..

.: HE left :.

got up damn early..

thanx to my sista

got nothing to do then to bug me hah?

but anyway..

i do need that wake up call.. ;P

damn..im early

reach the office around 8:40am

park the car

put some coins in the metre

get the parking ticket

place it in the car

lock the door

& into my office

routine thingy

bare with me

huhuhuhuu..

hmm..

everything seem so~ quiet today

Wait

where is everyone?

me:

'Kak Zarin, senyap je office.Mana sume org?'

kak zarin:

'Pergi tgk launching.Peugeot.Kat Shangri-la Hotel'

me:

'Eh, ahala..lupa..hehe..'

damn.

boredom

there goes my morning session

tick..tock..tick..tock

(time passes by)

Lunchtime!

baru nak jamah biskut

alamak!! Dato' lak masuk

shit!

___________________________________

dato:

ANNE!!!

now the real work start once he calls my name

dato:

'Call each department'

'Ask them to come & see me one at the time'

me:

'Ok~'

krrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggggggg...

(calling each department)

me:

'Sume naik k.Dato' nak jumpe.Cepat skit'

one by one came in

i was there

i heard almost everything

sadness seem to fill in the atmosphere

dato:

'Everyone, i wanna thank u all for all the work & effort to shown me..............'

he's leaving

he's saying his goodbye

now

the room is empty

HE left NAZA TTDI

thank u Dato'

for everything

the knowledge

the experience

the rushing

the multitasking non-stop workloads

the scolding

the screaming

&

the angpow ;P

E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G

you will be remember by us

bye.

.: Nobody Knows :.

Wish I told him how I feel,
Maybe he'd be here right now
but instead...

I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling inside
And nobody knows it but me

Lie awake, it's a quarter past three
I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
Billion words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

Tomorrow morning,
I'm a hit a dusty road
Gonna find you, where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna load my heart and
Hope you come back to me

I won't hope for him to come back. It's been said, he's heart is empty. My heart is filled with hurt. No more morning hug and goodnight kisses. Just an empty stare of guilt and a sad smile.
Goodbye to anya..
Goodbye to ann3h45ri2..
Goodbye to gundu..
Goodbye to Zie..

.: Sebahagian Dari Hidupku :.

WANITA> : Siapa yang paling kamu cintai di dunia ini?.
LELAKI :Kamu
WANITA : Menurut kamu, saya ini siapa?
LELAKI :> (Berfikir sejenak, lalu menatap WANITA dengan pasti).> Kamu,tulang rusukku!

"Kerana Allah melihat bahawa Adam kesepian. Saat Adam sedang lenatidur, Allah mengambil rusuk Adam dan menciptakan Hawa"

Semua LELAKI mencari tulang rusuknya yang hilang dan saat menemukan WANITA untuknya, tidak lagi merasakan sakit di hatinya. Setelah berkahwin, pasangan itu mengalami masa yang indah dan manis untuk sementara. Setelah itu, pasangan muda ini mulai tenggelam dalam kesibukan masing-masing dan kelelahan hidup yang ada. Hidup mereka menjadi bosan. Kenyataan hidup yang kejam membuat mereka mulai menyisihkan impian dan cinta satu sama lain. Mereka mulai bertengkar dan pertengkaran itu mulai menjadi semakin panas. Pada suatu hari pada akhir sebuah pertengkaran WANITA lari keluar rumah. Saat tiba di seberang jalan, dia berteriak:

"Kamu tidak cintakan saya lagi!!!".

LELAKI sangat membenci ketidakdewasaan WANITA dan secaras pontan juga berteriak:

"Saya menyesali perkahwinan ini! Kamu ternyata bukan tulang rusukku!!!"

Tiba-tiba WANITA terdiam, dan berdiri kaku untuk beberapa saat. LELAKImenyesali akan apa yang sudah dia lafazkan, tetapi seperti air yang telah tertumpah tidak mungkin untuk diceduk kembali. Dengan berlinangair mata, WANITA kembali ke rumah dan mengambil barang-barangnya,bertekad untuk berpisah.

"Kalau saya bukan tulang rusukmu, biarkan saya pergi. Biarkankita berpisah dan mencari pasangan sejati masing-masing".

Lima tahun berlalu. LELAKI masih belum lagi berkahwin,tetapi berusaha mencari khabar akan kehidupan WANITA. WANITA pernah ke luar negeri tetapi sudah kembali. Dia pernah berkahwin dengan seorang asing dan bercerai. LELAKI agak kecewa bila mengetahui WANITA tidak menunggu sepertinya. Dan di tengah malam yang sunyi, dia meminum kopinya dan merasakan kesakitan di hatinya. Tetapi LELAKI tidak sanggup mengakui bahawa dia merindukan WANITA. Suatu hari, mereka akhirnya bertemu kembali. Di airport, tempat dimana banyak terjadi pertemuan dan perpisahan, mereka dipisahkan hanya oleh sebuah dinding pembatas.

LELAKI : Apa khabar?
WANITA : Baik… kamu sudah menemui tulang rusukmu yang hilang?
LELAKI : Belum.
WANITA : Saya akan terbang ke New York dengan penerbangan berikut. Saya akan kembali 2minggu lagi. Telefon saya kalau kamu berkesempatan. Kamu tahu nombor telepon saya kan? Tidak ada yang berubah.

WANITA tersenyum manis, berlalu di hujung lafaz "Selamat tinggal…"

Satu minggu kemudian, LELAKI menerima khabar WANITA adalah salah seorang korban Menara WTC. Malam itu, sekali lagi, LELAKI meneguk kopinya dan kembali merasakan kesakitan dihatinya. Akhirnya dia sedar bahwa sakit itu adalah kerana WANITA, tulang rusuknya sendiri yangtelah dengan bodohnya dia patahkan.




Kita menempiaskan 99% kemarahan walau kepada orang yang paling kita cintai. Dan akibatnya adalah penyesalan. Seringkali penyesalan itu datang dikemudiannya, akibatnya setelah kita menyedari kesalahan kita, semua sudah terlambat….
Kerana itu, jagalah dan sayangilah orang yang dicintai dengan sepenuhhati. Sebelum mengucapkan sesuatu berfikirlah dahulu, apakah kata-kata yang kamu ucapkan akan menyakiti orang yang dicintai? Kira merasakan akan menyakitinya, sebaiknya jangan pernah dilafazkan. Kerana semakin besar risiko untuk kehilangan orang yang dicintai. Jadi berfikirlah, apakah kata-kata yang akan dilafazkan sebanding dengan akibat yang akan diterima?

Mampukan ku menemui tulang rusukku? Berharap...

.: Hilang Sudah Kasih :.

Bagai semalam ku bersua
Wajah yang memiliki cinta
Masih teguh kupelihara setia
Sanggup kau tinggalkan semua
Membawa segala

Di mana ku
Letakkan jiwa ini
Seakan berterbangan
Tuk mencari tempatnya
Hatiku kan selama
Memuja dan menyinta
Kau kekasihku

Hilang.......
Pergi merantau.......
Mengapa.......

Tak rela diriku terjaga
Belum sedarku buka mata
Siang malam berlalu sama saja
Sukar untukku lepasi
Hari yang mendatang

Tak daya
Menahan air mata
Dan meratapi hiba
Menyesal dan meronta oh..
Hatiku kan selama
Memuja dan menyinta
Kau kekasihku

Hilang.......
Jauh melangkah.......
Tinggalkan semua.......
Berakhirlah sudah tiada gunanya menyalahi sesiapa
Bangkitkan lah daku segera
Dari lena....

Jauh melangkah
Menghilang
Tiada ku kesalkan
Biarlah
Kurela.......

xo--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------xo

Hilang, itu saja aku boleh katakan.